I haven't written in awhile...I've been busy beating myself up

It's been a few months since I've posted.  There are plenty of reasons, but the main one, the reason behind all the others is of course fear.  Sometimes my self-doubt gets the best of me and my tendency towards guilt and shame cause a downward spiral.  It's so hard.  It's especially hard to admit that I don't have it all together.  To let myself be vulnerable and not know the answers.  Because having the answers means I'll be safe.  I've been letting my young fearful self drive.  It's easier to stay safe and small and at home and lonely right? Yes it is.  But the rewards I get from doing that, from letting my fearful self drive are false rewards.  

I've been reading this awesome book by Jen Sincero. she really speaks my language.  It's called, "You are a badass: how to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life." It's been a fun inspiring butt kicking read.  In it she talks about these false rewards.  " We don't realize it but we're making the perks we get from perpetuating our stories more important than getting the things we really want because it's familiar territory...we trick ourselves into believing that's it's who we really are as adults in order to continue reaping "the rewards".  It's how we survived as kids, but it doesn't serve us anymore so we need to get rid of it or we'll just keep creating more of it."

The first step in this process is to make a list of all the false beliefs and the false rewards.  I've had this on my to do list among other helpful things for like 2 weeks.  The pull to hold onto these old stories is so strong.  But it's rotten and sickening.  Yet, it is my priviledge as a human being to have the consciousness to examine and re-evaluate these stories and limiting beliefs.  I try to be grateful and accepting of what comes up for me.  I was driving one night this week, listening to music and getting emotional in the car.  In trying to embrace what I'm feeling rather than push it away I had the image of me with some mud boots on with a shovel in my hand, standing in mud and wasn't it glorious to start getting into it and digging out the muck I was stuck in.  Bringing in a perspective of gratitude rather than disdain or shame or frustration. What a difference that makes.

I'm full of anxiety and shame about being in a lot of debt.  It might sound like I'm nutty but isn't amazing that I get to feel this anguish that so many of us feel.  I know what it feels like to be drowning in debt.  Beating myself up and feeling wretched doesn't change the situation but it's no easy task to shift out of that. So, I'm trying a new way.  To see my debt for all of the things and experiences it allowed me to have.  This point in my life does not define who I am.  This old story, these old beliefs are not who I am.  My highest self is strong and knows this is a temporary situation and a valuable learning lesson.  To re-examine my beliefs about money, guilt and shame.  I am continually fascinated by my experience as a human being. And I shall do my best to have self-compassion as I learn and make my way through this process to a place of wealth and success.  Onward...