Go towards other people and start conversations
Jessica Weir
That might sound like an introvert’s worst nightmare. And there can be some trepidation, but it’s something we as adults need to embrace if we’re going to meet new people and make new friends.
As a 17 year old exchange student in France, where the Rotary members weren't sure I would last the whole year because I was so quiet and shy, I had to figure this out. It was tough. I was so afraid of making a mistake and being made fun of or being embarrassed. This is more than just normal fear of saying something stupid. This is the fear of pronouncing words wrong or using the wrong verb tense or article. As an intelligent person, being perceived as stupid or getting stuff wrong was a big fear.
Over the course of the year, I was able to open up more and fear being thought of as stupid less. I had to take risks or I wouldn’t improve my French. Which was the while point. I didn’t go there at 17, away from my family , to just sit quietly on my own and not really learn the language or make friends. I went there to learn and to live in France. To have a European adventure and get in touch with my French ancestry. To speak French confidently and fluently, I had to grow as a person. Three interactions stick out to me as big moments.
The first one was during the first 3 months I was there. It was tough. I was lonely and learning a new language when you’re shy is challenging. I remember walking to school one morning, trying to psych myself up for the day. Or more likely, criticizing myself for being so quiet. Coming from the other direction was this boy. I didn’t know him and there was no one else nearby. He was younger than me and as he walked past me he looked over, and said good morning with a big smile. And of course I said good morning back. This is a big moment because it inspired me to take more risks. If this little kid could say hi to a complete stranger then I could do it too. I can still feel myself open up, stand a bit taller and proceed with hope.
The next instance was maybe a little bit later. I was in 11 grade there but because I was still learning French they put my in a 5th or 6th grade French class. We would do dictation, grammar and stuff like that. But it was in another building, so one of my 11th grade classmates, Aurélie I think, walked me over to the other building. And I probably had a question so I started to talk and probably got nervous of making a mistake and stopped myself. She knew and called me out. She was kind but also clear. I had to try. I had to risk making a mistake to be heard. That was the friendly kick in the pants I needed to get over my fear of making mistakes or being thought of as foolish or dumb. My classmates were all really great by the way. It was my own stuff I had to work through.
The third moment was less about speaking correctly and more about participating in life. My third host mother, Brigitte, who I am still in touch with 20 years later, had such a big impact on me. She helped me learn to speak French. She introduced me to so much about French culture and taught me how to cook some French recipes. She and I connected over the dinner table after the evening meal. Just talking about people and life. One night she pointed something out to me, that was revelatory. That to make friends, I had to go towards people. I would shy away from meeting new people or doing things and she noticed and she wanted to encourage me to put myself out there. I’ll be forever grateful for her guidance and friendship. So when I say you have to go towards people, in my head I hear Brigitte saying “aller vers les gens”.
Adult friendships don’t happen organically. It’s not as easy as when you sat next to each on the bus or had the same color shoes. You can’t wait passively for new friends to show up in your life. You have to take responsibility for building those relationships. And that requires going towards people and starting conversations. It’s not something you have to become good at over night. But it is something you have to consider and embrace the importance of initiating friendships or contact with old friends.
So being scared of what other people think of you or how you’ll be perceived, as a dumb American or whatever that voice says, is a way of thinking that needs to shift. and it can be done. I can still be quiet and shy sometimes, but mostly, I don’t worry about starting conversations or how other people perceive me. I know who I am and I know how to use my voice.