Self-criticism and self-compassion

I write and talk a lot about self-criticism. So many of us are hard on ourselves. And it seems like there’s no way to find real relief. But the truth is, being hard on ourselves only makes things harder. It’s something we grow up thinking is helpful. But it makes taking risks and being vulnerable more difficult.

How does one find relief from the self-criticism? Recognizing that inner voice as a part of you, acknowledging it, and turning the volume down on it. Then learning to use self-compassion instead of self-criticism to find success. You can still evaluate and see how you could have done things differently but it’s more constructive than just plain critical.

Developing self-compassion has been some of the hardest and most beneficial work I’ve done. The first part of easing the strain of self-criticism comes from noticing it and understanding it’s role. That critical voice doesn’t develop for nothing.

Often those inner critical voices develop as a way to keep us safe when we’re kids. We’ve probably all experienced being made fun of, laughed at, or hurt at the words of another person. As kids we don’t have the emotional and mental mechanisms to defend ourselves or deflect the hurt. So someone’s comment, which they probably said out of insecurity, is internalized.

We try to prevent that bad feeling from ever happening again. Stay safe, stay quiet, don’t go outside the comfort zone. A zone which in reality isn’t very comfortable, it’s just what’s familiar.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

- Anaïs Nin

This quote was posted in my room for many years I as tried new ways of being. It was easier to stay where I was and do something safe but it didn’t feel good to me. That comfort zone was not comfortable and I struggled for a long time. It’s an incredibly lonely place when you feel like you need to isolate yourself to be safe but actually want to feel deeply connected to other people.

Leaving that comfort zone and turning the volume down on the critical voice, which is just trying to keep you safe in the comfort zone, takes courage, persistent effort and self-compassion. Self-compassion is the healing balm after all the self-criticism.

It’s one of those over used words that can lose meaning. You could call it kindness, love, empathy. It means you talk to yourself as if you were talking to someone you care about deeply. Would you be harsh with a young child who came to you crying and upset? No, you wouldn’t. You would try to soothe them and treat them kindly. This is what we need for ourselves.

We won’t get it right all the time. Those critical voices don’t go away, they are a part of us. But we can learn to pay less attention to them and to fill our thoughts with a kind and compassionate voice instead.