There is hope.

Life moves differently these days. The days and weeks and months see to blur together. I have found it really hard to move forward or make progress. I’ll work on something and then a week or two passes before I come back to it. Partly this is because I procrastinate. This isn’t from laziness, but a lack of faith in my ability to help people during a time when I’m figuring out how to help myself. Then more time passes and it becomes increasingly hard to get back to it. There’s a feeling of guilt for dropping off and procrastinating. It’s hard to focus on personal growth when things don’t feel safe. And when there is so much ambient anxiety.

So to get through this, I’ve been focusing on self-care a lot. Mostly so that I don’t feel so incredibly annoyed with small things and people who deserve kindness above all right now. That’s really what prompted me to focus on meditation and finding ways to feel more grounded. To look within and unravel the emotions and figure out why I was so damned annoyed all the time.

Well, it comes down to fear and uncertainty. There’s so much of that right now. So many unknowns, about the world, about my family’s future. Most of my family is on the east coast while I’m in California. It’s been hard to be so far away without having the option to safely travel. And that is what my psyche is trying to find, safety. I know I’m not alone in all this.

So much pain and anxiety is just floating in the air. It can be overwhelming if you tap into it when your resources to deal with stress are already low. Like going shopping when you’re hungry. You just don’t make the best choices. Having enough of these experiences signals a need for me to find something more to focus on. To get back to what’s really important to me. No matter how it’s received. That inner critical voice telling me that I’m getting it wrong has been proven inaccurate repeatedly in my life. Why do I keep listening to it?

That’s a question without an easy answer. Part of the reason is that life is tough right now. It’s hard to stay present with all the turmoil in the world. Protests, social injustice, insane politics, deaths, illness, anxiety, etc.. causing prolonged uncertainty with such high stakes. Not being able to use the same coping mechanisms like going out, meeting with friends, aimlessly walking the aisles at Target. Those coping mechanisms maybe weren’t the best to begin with. Now there’s an added element of danger and anxiety. It’s hard to feel safe when things that were normal aren’t anymore. And that critical voice has always been trying to keep me safe. So productivity or personal growth takes a backseat.

But the human spirit is resilient. We can adapt. We can find little things to help us. Routines, like waking up, taking a shower and making the bed. Being in nature, going for a walk everyday.  Having things to look forward to or enjoy. Working on what we can control, like organizing your space. Or other stuff, like I’ve started drinking flavored sparkling water. Who knew it would be so enjoyable. It’s a small thing but somehow it makes my day a little better.

From time to time, emotions get big and messy and can feel overwhelming. That tells me I need to pause. Taking the time and energy to unravel those feelings and thoughts is incredibly important. Acknowledging how I’m feeling is necessary for me. Holding it all in just doesn’t work. That’s how I dealt with feelings for so many years. They don’t go anywhere though. They just get stuck in your body. So I’ve worked really hard (over many years) to approach my emotions differently. To be open and honest, to be vulnerable. Especially with people who have earned my trust. In any case, expressing how I’m feeling, even just to myself or my journal, helps me come back to ground. To be present with those waves long enough for them to pass. To settle and refocus on what matters.

Being of service really matters to me. When I’m not using my gifts or my insight, I get sad. Because supporting people and being helpful feels good to me. That’s why I’m so well suited to coaching. However long it takes for me to come back to that is okay. The important thing is to come back. To get back on track. Whatever that looks like in today’s world. So I’m writing this blog. I put together a newsletter and a survey to ask interested people what they understand about themselves, what’s hard and what they need. Because I want to offer things that will help.

Being alive is a gift. Being a human on this planet even during this crazy time is a gift. Some people say it’s a shifting of consciousness, the unrest and upheaval is a sign of growth and healing to come. I hope so and I’m going to try and be a part of what makes this world so amazing and beautiful.

If you’re able to, please complete my survey. I hope you can take care of yourself and find things to look forward to and some small moments of joy. So you can approach the future with hope.

On the nature of time and the universe, and the movie Arrival

Like many introverts, I'm a big fan of sci-fi and fantasy.  I read so much and watch so much that all of these ideas swirl around in my head. I'll mention some of those influences.  Hopefully one day a novel will come out of it.  So, I was really excited to see the movie "Arrival" with Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner.  I can't find the words to describe just what this movie made me feel.  It was thought provoking, moving, mind-blowing, awe-inspiring.  Somehow those words don't convey the full meaning of my experience. When I was leaving the theater, after all the credits mind you, I asked the teenage guy cleaning up if he'd seen it. He said no, not yet but he'd heard that it was slow.  I said that it wasn't an action movie but it was excellent, thought-provoking and I loved it.  Who knows if that would appeal to a teenage boy. But you should see it.  It's one that I plan on buying the DVD of, not just streaming.  This isn't a review though, so much as an exploration of the effect this film and others had on me. 

Spoiler alert! Unfortunately, I have to use some spoilers in order to explain myself.  You see, a theme in the movie is time.  And one of Amy Adams' lines near the end of the film is directed towards Ian, Jeremy Renner's character.  She asks him "If you could see your life from beginning to end, would you change anything?" Because she can see her life from beginning to end and she sees that he becomes her husband and the father of her child and the pain of losing that child.  Would you choose to live a life you knew would be full of pain and great sorrow.  His answer to her is "I think I would share my feelings more."

Life is so uncertain. I don't know what the future will bring and I can get caught and stuck in the fear that uncertainty causes.  Everyone does.  Is it the not knowing or the pain you anticipate happening that makes it so scary? Both probably.  There are so many ways people deal with certainty and uncertainty both healthy and unhealthy.  I get stuck and have to work hard to push through the fear and move forward.  It's not really a reflection of who I am, the infinite Jess.  It's a reflection of how I deal with time as I understand it and trusting the universe to have my back. 

This film had me sitting in the seat while the credits are rolling, feeling so much and thinking about the question she asks him and his answer.  If you knew the story of your life from start to finish would you change anything?  Sharing my feelings more.  That's something I talk about a lot because I know the value in it and I'm also working at it.  I'm working on my fear of uncertainty.  That question and the answer and the fact that she does choose that life was and is inspirational to me.  Somehow it released some of the pressure and the fear.  To accept what comes with an open heart.  To focus my attention on living the moments as they come.  To not worry so much.  It gave me permission to live. To release this fear and the restraint of time.  To connect with something greater than myself.  To connect with the universe.

So many things recently have gotten me thinking about the nature of the universe and time.  I like the idea that it's non-linear.  Time moves back and forward on itself, that we're connected to a greater energetic system that is outside of time.  But also that the universe moves so slowly when seen as linear.  I recently saw "Doctor Strange", which was highly entertaining but not nearly as thought-provoking or poignant as "Arrival". It's not meant to be.  But I did take something from that as well and was sad when it ended and I had to return to my regular life with it's problems and fears.  The imagination and creativity are awesome.  The ability to create your world was a super power in the movie and seems unattainable.  Then I watched the first episode of "Cosmos" on Netflix.  How in the cosmic calendar, humanity is only in existence for the last minute of the last day of the year.  Where one days equals 40,000,000 years.  

When I think my life isn't moving fast enough or the things I want haven't happened yet, the cosmos reminds me that time is relative and the universe moves at it's own pace.  I do believe that there is a higher power at work.  Whether that's God, or a system of energy we don't fully understand surrounding us, that's not for me to say.  But there's something greater that we're only slightly aware of.  The point being that I have a belief that there is a greater, infinite force at work.  What's happening in my life and in the world is all for our own spiritual growth.  There is something to be gained from every interaction, every experience, good or bad. I'm of the opinion that we are spiritual beings on a physical journey.  There's a purpose to what we experience.  Our greatest task is to learn and to grow with each life we live.  And to feel the joy life brings.

These are the kinds of big conversations I've had with my Dad since I was little, about the nature of life and the spirit.  I treasure my talks with him and I am so grateful when I meet people who also ponder the greater meaning of life, whether they are like-minded or not.  There's so much more out there and happening than we understand.  Isn't that amazing.  That unknowing.  So that's how I manage to shift out of my fear uncertainty.  Reflecting on the nature of the universe, how I'm connected to something greater, a higher power that is looking out for me.  It's there to help me grow and learn, to become a more vibrant, joyous person.  What's the point of worrying when the world is there for me to create.  I would probably choose the life that I have even if I knew what was to happen from start to finish but I have to agree that I'd share my feelings more.  There's something to be gained from everything we go through, if we can only believe and see it and enjoy the moment.       

Introverted ≠ Shy

Aren't they the same thing? Nope. At one point I thought they were.  As I talk to more people about what I do, I realize that many people do as well.  For me, each term was just a slight variation of the same thing.  I was definitely introverted and certainly shy growing up.  But as I started learning more about introversion in my 20's, I was able to clarify the distinctions.  First off, introversion or extroversion signifies a certain relationship to energy, which is an inherent preference that does not alter.  Introverts gain energy from being alone and expend energy while interacting.  Extroverts gain energy from being social and expend energy when alone or in reflection. 

Shyness is a kind of social anxiety, discomfort and extreme self-consciousness around other people. In the book, The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy. D., it states that "It is not an issue of energy: it is a lack of confidence in social situations. It is the fear of what others think of you." Shyness can affect introverts and extroverts alike.  Shy people want to connect with others but feel inhibited to do so by their self-critical thoughts and lack of social skills.  These are things that can be remedied.  Being shy is not who you are, it's what you think other people think of you.  It is possible to think about yourself and others differently to reduce shyness. 

Whereas, introverts aren't automatically shy.  We can be shy but we can also be well-spoken and social.  We can approach social situations with confidence and warmth.  However, we introverts have a preference for solitude, introspection and meaningful interaction and can become overstimulated in social situations which can be draining.  We're not hermits or anti-social people.  We want to connect and be heard, we just don't particularly like small talk or large groups that make meaningful interaction difficult.  

In recent years, I've stopped thinking of myself as shy, I'm quiet but not shy.   I can be reserved, scared, and awkward but not shy.  Introverted but not shy.  Shyness is such a loaded word for me.  It's like some defect, some sign I'm less than, some painful memory of childhood.  I'm not shy.  Well...that's not completely true.  It's hard to admit.  And it's uncomfortable to realize that I am indeed shy in certain situations (not all the time).  Painfully so.  I didn't recognize it as shyness, I had moved beyond being a shy little girl. And I have, I'm an adult and as an adult, it's up to me to overcome this shyness. I think the first step is awareness, to realize and observe when I'm feeling shy (I'll tell you more about that in the future) and to slow down and look at what's spinning around in my head.  It's gonna take some time and definitely some discomfort but I'll get through it.  I've got to go through to get where I want to be.  

I'd love to hear your reactions and thoughts.  Please comment, share and of course reach out, I'm here to support you.