It’s Not About Them: How to Stop Letting Difficult People Hijack Your Energy
We’ve all experienced that sudden, jarring moment when someone completely throws us off balance.
Maybe it’s a passive-aggressive email from a colleague, a critical remark from a family member over dinner, or a stranger making a rude comment in public.
Instantly, your body reacts. Your heart rate quickens, your jaw tightens, or a heavy knot forms in your stomach.
Standard advice often tells us to "try to see it from their perspective" or "don't take it personally." But let’s be honest—when your nervous system is triggered, intellectualizing their behavior doesn't do a thing to calm your internal storm.
Understanding why someone is acting out might explain their behavior, but it misses the real issue: How it makes you feel in the moment, and how you automatically react.
The 2 Ways We React on Autopilot
When someone pushes your buttons—at work or at home—your mind and body instantly drop into a default reaction mode. Most of us fall into one of two automatic traps:
The "Swallow It" Response (Drained Energy): You shut down, freeze, or swallow your frustration to keep the peace. You walk away feeling heavy, resentful, and utterly exhausted.
The "Fight It" Response (Defensive Energy): Your walls go up immediately. Your mind races to defend yourself, prove a point, or push back.
Neither of these reactions feels good, and both drain your battery. More importantly, when you react on autopilot, you hand away control over your mood, focus and energy to the trigger.
Reclaiming Your Agency
In coaching, we talk about "Energy" as simply the internal state, mindset, and presence you bring to any given moment.
When friction happens, your default energy naturally drops into survival mode (defensive or drained). Reclaiming your power isn't about changing other people—it’s about catching your energy shift in real time so you can step out of automatic reaction and consciously choose your response.
Here is what that looks like in practice:
Notice the Physical Cue: Pay attention to what your body does the second friction occurs. A tight jaw or quickened pulse is your internal alarm telling you that autopilot has kicked in.
Name the Moment: Acknowledge what’s happening internally without judgment: "I’m feeling triggered right now." Simply recognizing the state creates a crucial micro-pause between the event and your reaction.
Reclaim Your Agency: In that space, ask yourself: "How do I actually want to respond right now?"
Creating that gap between the trigger and your response, allows you to step out of automatic reaction. You regain your agency to make a choice—whether that means setting a clear boundary, changing the subject, or choosing to walk away with your peace intact.
Uncovering Your Default Patterns
It’s easy to talk about staying grounded, but doing it in real time requires awareness and knowing your common stress patterns is a great start.
That’s where the Energy Leadership Index® (ELI) assessment comes in. It acts as an objective mirror, showing you how your energy naturally shifts when life is smooth versus when triggers and stress hit—giving you the clarity you need to catch your reactions before they run the show.
Free Resource: Discover the 7 Energy Levels we all experience
Want to explore how these energy levels show up in daily life and how awareness gives you back your agency?
Grab my free Introductory Guide to Energy Leadership. It introduces the framework and offers a simple lens to help you recognize your reactions and consciously choose your response.